Prostate Exams 

There’s nothing like a yearly prostrate exam to get the anxiety levels peaked. It’s reassuring to my wife knowing the doctor found no evidence my head remains lodged there. I have come to understand how a Muppet feels and cannot fathom how the doctor can talk through this procedure. Somehow, I have the feeling in Uganda it would qualify as a legal marriage by going where no man has boldly gone before. This yearly evil is like choosing between a root canal, or diving into a tank filled with Jellyfish—it’s a tough call.


Once in the position with nothing left but imagination, you have to wonder what the Doctor is thinking, then again, maybe not. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to dread these semi-compassionate examinations with humility, or lack thereof (depending on the giving end, or receiving end).


Who set the standard by which all doctors whose fingers hold the circumference of Pluto enter the Proctologists course?


Finishing this examination removes all doubt where lawyers originate, and it leaves you feeling dirty while not wanting conversation with the person who performed this action.


I have heard this before, though it slips me now just where.


Consider this article as advice for the younger men yet to face the angst of a knee-bend, tuck and spread’um situation. Think of the experience like a parking meter with fiber control—while notable effort goes in, nothing comes out. And don’t think of looking cool when Chewbacca squirts a dollop of Crisco on his latex covered digits—it ain’t happening.


 Conversation should contain the subject of sports only, not that you care; batting averages don’t matter at this point


 Never use the word Mmm while Dr. Feelgood is searching for the man-gland—Ouch is acceptable.


 If you’re lucky enough to receive a two finger probe-a-thon, consider it a second opinion that won’t cost a penny extra. When paper with the texture of a pine cone is thrust into your clenched and deformed hand, you’ll know the end is near.  Once you start exiting the office do not stop to talk, or make eye contact with anyone until you reach your vehicle.


In all seriousness, prostate cancer is the second leading killer among men. A simple check-up could save your life, or the life of a loved one. Adding a little humor may make it easier to face, and caught early, the treatment is widely successful. Talk with your doctor about prostate screening and a PSA blood test. A little reading and research could go a long way.


When it’s all said and done, take it like a man.


Uncle Buck